Dear Evelyn the Bold

Dear Evelyn the Bold,

Greetings from us

The people who will attempt to murder you

Now that you have taken over for your father

Boris the Punctual

As we write this

You’re on your way

To a royal wedding

We understand that your new husband

Frederick the Frequently Asleep

Isn’t thrilled to be marrying a girl so old

But your father insisted that you remain chaste

Until he died

And unfortunately for you

That meant remaining unwed

Until the tarnished age of sixteen

We are also made to understand

That you have been christened Evelyn the Bold

Because you refuse to lay with your husband

Or any man

Who is not of your choosing

And that you shall command your kingdom on your own

Regardless of who you marry

His Holy Father wanted to name you

Evelyn the Devil Incarnate

But he had a change of heart

When your kingdom decided

To build a cathedral in his honor

Smart move, by the way

We are the monarchs

Of the neighboring kingdoms

And as such

It is our duty

To ensure that you die

So that we may absolve your land and properties

Into ours

Thereby expanding our reach

And solidifying our power

Also, we just think you’re kind of obnoxious

By what right do you demand

That women shall join you

In the army?

Women in an army?

Why not put men in the delivery chambers

Or dogs in little hats and coats?

We admit dogs in little hats and coats

Sounds appealing

But that is only because the devil

Plants such thoughts in our head

To tempt us towards frivolity

You have asserted

That your subjects should read

All your subjects

Not just those of wealth and prestige

We warn you, Queen Evelyn

That knowledge given to those

Who cannot temper it

With good judgment

Will prove to be sharper

Than any sword

And mocking tradition

Will find you at odds

With tradition’s crueler sibling

--Consequence

Though you make the task of thwarting you

That much easier

With these brash actions

And foolish adjustments

To century-old routines

We still worry for you

We had our own brazen ideas

When we came to power

But they were squashed

By our advisors

And His Holy Father

Through whom all exciting endeavors

Are rained upon

Using the tears of our good Lord

We thought perhaps

We would have names like

So-and-So the Bold

Or Such-and-Such the Brave

But alas, we could only be lesser

For the thought of being larger

Frightened too many around us

Dear Evelyn

As you ride your wedding day

On a horse with no saddle

That you raised and tamed yourself

We shall try not to wish you ill

For even those whose death you desire

Should be able to enjoy

A sunny day or two

Before their tragic demise

You may be a queen

But you are still

Living in a kingdom

And there is no bright

Or bold idea

To remedy that conundrum

Since you are now enrolled in our league

We will share something with you

That you may carry with you

In times of distress

Such as when we slaughter you

And your co-ed armies

Or when you get a bad cold

Because as you will soon find out

A queen’s quarters is always the draftiest

This secret will be

Our wedding present to you

On this

Your happy/awful day

It is this—

When those who wear the crown

Whisper a prayer

To our lord above

That prayer is given extra consideration

By the one true majesty

And often, the wish will be granted

But!—as soon as it is

The wish-maker will not remember the wish

And will believe themselves to be lucky

When really

They are blessed

Be careful with your prayers

Fair Evelyn

For someone is always listening

On the other side of a door

Up in the Heavens

Or three kingdoms away

Someone is always asking

What’s in your hand

Or in your pocket

Or tucked away

Or written in your ledger

Someone is always wondering

What it is you want

And why they never wanted it

For themselves