Crying in English

You know, I was very excited
An American movie
An American movie with Americans
I was very excited

And I practiced, you know
My, uh, the way
The way of speaking
Like an American

But one thing
I could never quite get
Was the crying?

The American crying?

It always, uh, it escaped me

I couldn’t quite master
Crying in English
In American, I should say

Leading up to it
I would be fine
The emotion
The confusion
All the things, you know
The things that happen
As a person begins
To cry

But—

I would get to the, uh
You know, the actual crying
And it just wouldn’t work

And my director
My American director
A very nice woman
Named Sheila
Would look at me
With kindness in her eyes
This woman
Who is over-budget
And starving
And breast-feeding a child
Who is much too old
To be breast-fed
And she approaches me
And this is the, you know
Third or fourth time
This has happened
Where she has had to, uh
Talk to me about this

She says—

‘Marie, the crying—’

And I put my hands up

I put my hands up
Because that is how you say—

‘I understand what you are saying
And that you are frustrated
And I, too, am frustrated’

That is how you say—

‘I share your frustration
And I know that you are breast-feeding
A nine-year-old child
And that your life is very strange and difficult
But I am doing my very best’

And Shelia, the director
My American
She usually walks away from me
But not this time

This time, instead, she cries
And at first, I am, uh, believing
Or of the belief
That she is trying to show me
How to cry in English

But then I see that she is just very much in need
Of a good cry herself
And so I let her

And my American co-stars
They see Sheila crying
And they see me—

This person
This actress
Who has had such trouble
Doing what Sheila seems to do so easily

And they, uh, you know
Take the opportunity
To do it themselves

They look at me
And they begin to cry

Soon after this, the crew is looking at me and crying
The extras, the people they hire to, uh, you know
Stand around and look like farmers
Or people running from a monster
They’re crying

Everyone is crying
And I am not crying

Or, I suppose, I am crying
But I don’t notice it at first
Because I am crying in French
And these poor people
Are crying in English

We’re all just crying
And nobody really understands why
But it feels good, you know
It feels good to cry
So why not?

And when we’re done
We go back to making a movie
And I shed my tears when the time comes
And they are not the right tears
Because they are the tears
Of another, uh, culture
Of another place and specificity, you know?

You know specificity?

I have the wrong kind

But nobody says anything to me
Because they are afraid
They will start crying again
That we will all start crying again
And then what?

Then what will happen?

I cry my European tears
And the scene finishes
The American director yells cut
And somewhere off-camera
A nine-year-old child


Cries out for his mother

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